Mom is doing well -- thank God she got her hair cut and permed because she was beginning to look like Anthony Hopkins in Legends of the Fall! I know it's hard for her because she is a shut in, but yikes! If she lived closer I could do more but she's so dang far away. We've asked her to move in with us and have plenty of room but she still thinks she's able to live on her own.
So let's look at today's numbers:
Cancer Free: 15 months
Smoke Free: 18 months
Sober: 104 days.
Now, for my Story
I haven't really told my story yet in this forum -- and don't know how or where to start, but I as Elvis sang "I used to drink...I used to smoke". I smoked a LOT and drank even more. I quit smoking the day I found out I had Grade 3 Bladder Cancer. After surgery and 2 months of treatments, I have continued to keep it from recurring. But I still drank a LOT of wine and a LOT of beer and a LOT of anything else I could my hands on. The stress of dealing with cancer and all the fear that came with it didn't help -- and once I found out that red wine had ingredients that killed cancer cells, well -- that's all she wrote. I quit about four times over the past few years but it never stuck. Now I was drinking every day; two liters of wine on most days. I would start at about 4 or 5 and go until about 4 or 5 in the morning. Sometimes I'd run out just as I was getting my buzz on and would have to wait up until 6 am to get to the store once it opened. I'd top it off and go to bed. This was the most depressing period of my life. You don't ASK to become an addict, it just happens. You don't know why at this point -- you just know that you can't quit because that would mean withdrawing and the misery of losing the buzz. It took a LOT to get me buzzed and so I was entering the late stages of alcoholism.
I battled this back during the decade of the 80's, but got sober in 1989 and stayed that way until 2008. I always knew I was just one drink away from a full relapse, but thought I would still handle that one drink. But I'd never really worked an actual program. When I quit in the 80's I was still young and resilient, this time around -- however -- I wasn't so resilient anymore. The problems with my daughter, plus several losses of people just added up. My best friend Jackie died of cancer, this was horrible watching her go through this. Then the final blow was learning that I had cancer as well. My daughter took off and went to California and I hear from her about once a week, she's doing okay.
The deeper I got into addiction the less I believed God cared one iota about me, so I carried around this weight of guilt and self-hatred. Why NOT drink? What else was there? My husband was sick of having a drunk for a wife. I didn't even want to work anymore. Cancer really kicked my ass in the depression department and drinking just made it worse. I had back-slid completely from my faith, I didn't trust God at this point. Things just....SUCKED. My councilors told me I was considered a "functioning alcoholic" because most people on the outside had no idea I was the female version of Kid Chalene from the movie"Cat Ballou. My poor, long-suffering husband was beginning to take on the role of Andy Garcia from "When a Man Loves a Woman".
"We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable"
Finally, I found a great Nar Anon group where I could spend time with other mothers and fathers of drug addicts. This began my road to recovery in terms of the issues with my daughter. I was continuing to beat cancer, and in April I checked myself into a 3-day treatment program and then continued on in out-patient treatment for my own addiction. Again, I had quit numerous times and couldn't stay sober more than a couple of weeks. I relapsed again in June. And that's the last time I've had a drink. Now I'm over 100 days sober, which is a true miracle. I go to meetings twice a week (MRT and Relapse Prevention), and both have brought so much clarity into my life. I love my groups. This is an ongoing program at New Horizons Care Center in tne Valley and the staff is awesome. I'm living proof that you CAN teach an old dog NEW tricks! I continue to work my Steps, and everything in my life has improved 100-fold.I have lost 13 pounds. I am healthier than ever right now. My marriage is so much better, my relationships are better. I have way thicker skin with work than I used to. My whole life is so much more organized and of course, my dealings with my daughter have more clarity and patience. I have been able to "let go and let God". But that's the biggest improvement -- my relationship with my Lord and Savior is the way it was when I was younger -- and better! Not to mention the fact that, after all the years of smoking, I now have regained three octaves back in my vocal chords and can sing just about anything again.
I've been slowly, but surely, getting back to work on a full time basis, whereas my reporter Lars had done just about all the work for many months while I was having my alcohol and cancer meltdown! He's been great.
As I said before -- I've learned that it is to no avail to sit around and worry about things we just cannot change, God's Grace IS sufficient! Just knowing we are forgiven, and redeemed despite our worst days and unspeakable behaviors is enough. And if you can just rest in that -- the rest comes easy!
Since I've gotten sober everything has changed for the better; I seem to always have money now. I'm never worrying about bills. We've done so well we were able to go out and buy a fantastic new car. We also were able to afford a beautiful dog from one of the most reputable Aussie breeders in the Pacific Northwest. Joe and I went through a lot when our kitty passed away in July, but I got through that loss without anything to drink, and that was a huge accomplishment for me because I LOVED that cat! So things aren't perfect, and life still throws its challenges our way, but it's how we react to and deal with those challenges that defines what we're made of.
What I am made of is a soft heart, but tough spirit, I am strong -- yet I am tender and will extend a hand to anyone who needs to feel that tenderness at any given moment. I am a child of God. Now I know on the internet there's "haters" and "trolls", I get that -- these folks are living rather boring lives in which it makes them feel better about themselves if they can bully others. But to them I say, take your best shot -- as the Bible says "No weapon formed against me shall prosper". And so if someone wants to be a bully, then they will have to deal with their own misery down the road -- I truly feel sorry for people like that and pray for them daily as they are in serious trouble with their moral compass
-- as for me and MY house, we will serve the Lord!
-- Ruth Robbins, October 4, 2015
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